Moving on

 

This full moon brought about a big push. Waves of inspiration for moving on. 

I've been feeling the pull for the past 2 years to move back to Wisconsin to be around family. And the last few weeks the pull has been very strong. I've had some moments of fear and some moments of anticipiation. So it's definitely been a roller coaster of feelings, thoughts, emotions and so on. 

The last week or 2 it has been exceptionally strong. And then my ex threw out there asking if I was still going to keep with my idea of moving home. For him it would be easier traveling to get Mannix for summer vacation now that him and his wife have a child. Part of me wants to be like 'fuck you, you chose to move all the way across the state, why should I make this move to make things easier for you'. But in reality my decision to move back has never had anything to do with my ex so him throwing out the question is just coincidental. But i'm sure my ex being my ex he will view it as something i'm doing for him. 

Anywho, I've been getting waves of recollections from my childhood in Wisconsin. Waves of remembering and feelings. While I understand things will be much different than I remember there, because its been 16 years, i'm being flooded with memories of the lake energy, visible changes and experiences of the seasons. The inspiration that place gave me and the joy I felt there with a much friendly nature. 

I have not been able to keep my center here. The energy of this place at times Rubs me raw. The energy of this city, the sun here, the heat here, the extra effort to enjoy the nature here. I noticed it when I first moved here March of 2012 but over time I slowly started seeing some life in the nature. It wasn't until the Mansoon rains that I felt alive. The second the season would end my inspiration would fade too. I understand that the fall and winters in WI may not be the most appealing to me anymore since i've moved away but they play a vital role for me internally. It gives me a true sense of the cycles of seasons. I get waves of it here with feelings but most often I have a hard time SEEING it. Sure it can be forced by people decorating externally for each season/holiday but it does not reflect what my soul requires for true congruence. 

It's hard for me to verbalize that concept but thats the best way I can put it. 

I'm scared shitless. I have no idea what the future holds for me. Especially starting over again in another state. I"m not certain I want to keep doing Massage. I'm so sensitive to energy that i'm feeling so taxed working on people. Part of it may be because i'm doing it full time (up to 4-5 clients a day 5 days a week). And it's exceptionally taxing when I get clients that truly challenge my own energy field (another reason i'm looking at my caffeine addiction again. I started back up again but i'm realizing it takes about 2-3 months sometimes for me realize just how fucking horrible it is for my empathic side. And also my diet).

So i've made the firm decision to go ahead and begin planning for a move back to Wisconsin. I am estimating to do the trip around april next year but part of me has had heavy nudging to leave as soon as November. That scares me haha. Figuring out how to move last minute like that. I have anxiety worrying about who will drive with me from here to WI. I'd drive my car and whoever comes out will Drive the Uhaul back. Long trips give me so much anxiety. I'm used to traveling with the military in that they do all the work for you. They pack/haul/ship. We would just drive to the next location or fly to the next location, wait for our stuff and then bam life started new in the new location. I might be over-complicating this trip but it's a huge first for me and to be back home again will be an adjustment for Mannix and I. 

I would live with my mom for a few months until I get settled in a Job there. I will probably go back to working in the general work arena. Get a job with benefits and retirement plan. I just cant fathom continuing with massage when it affects me so much emotionally, energetically etc. And my heart is just not invested in it as much as I was earlier in my career. I truly have no idea what the next chapter holds for me but I need to trust this pull to move back to WI.